The "Natural" Cesarean

Looking back on my fifth delivery, I get really upset. Some might say that I am nit-picking, as MOST of my wishes were respected. I wasn't supposed to have another cesarean. I was supposed to have another HBAC. I had already had two HBACs. However, a situation arose that necessitated a cesarean delivery, much to my heartbreak. I was able to advocate for quite a few things, like absolutely no vaccines or heel pricks for ANY reason. I wanted to see him immediately, and I wanted my husband with him at all times.

I told the OB, who had seen me a few times, that I wished to have delayed cord-clamping, and skin-to-skin. He told me that was not possible. I was in a position to be able to state my wishes, but didn't have the strength or time to argue (long story...). He also discharged me less than 48 hours after surgery.

I look back on it, and I am convinced that he was punishing me in some way. I read about "natural" or "family" cesareans all the time. I know delayed cord clamping CAN BE DONE. I know skin-to-skin immediately after a cesarean CAN BE DONE. I also know, looking back, that while I really really wanted to get the hell out of the hospital...my body wasn't anywhere near ready for it after the beating I had endure *before* the cesarean, and then surgery on top of it. But he discharged me less than 48 hours later.

I know all of the, "You should be grateful" thoughts and comments. But, it could have been done better. Period. He could have listened to what I needed. I think his ego got in the way. He was only willing to go so far for this stupid woman who "tried" to VBAC at home (and did with previous babies!). I read these beautiful (as beautiful as major surgery can be) stories of cesareans that were done gently and immediate bonding facilitated. And it makes my heart hurt.

Not that  my baby and I didn't bond. We absolutely did. Probably one of the best out of all of my kids. And I was heard, mostly. I have several regrets about my last labor and delivery, all of which I think will haunt me unless I try to let go. But that's pretty hard sometimes, eh?